things that are good...

elliot and i have been going to a chiropractor here three times a week, i feel amazing, elliot is pooping like a normal baby and we are both sleeping much better.

it has been 75 degrees here the past few days, dresses and tank tops for me and tshirts and sun hats for elliot.

we have a favorite little park near our library and our chiropractor that we go to almost every day.

yesterday we even got a little sun after a walk to a different park and a snack picnic.

ryan bought me a french press and it is divine.

we have a gorgeous cherry blossom tree that is all bloomed outside our kitchen window.

i have a mostly clean house.

our car works and is a dream.

wait, have i mentioned that we bought a new car, almost two weeks ago (well...new in 2008 but new to us!)

both times that elliot and i have picked up our CSA box, they have carried it to our car and we have been very pleased with the quality of the produce.

our farmer invited us to a wine and juice tasting in gilroy (garlic capitol of the world ya'll) next saturday.

i am two pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight.

we went to our first library storytime and elliot was so stoked, he wouldn't stop laughing...

i also couldn't get him to stop delicately touching the 7 year old hispanic kid's face next to us.

and we are finally getting cable today...

and a dvr...

this means i no longer have to watch the only sesame street dvd we have 6 times a day...

i know every word, and can recite it to you.

also, i made this.

many of you have pinned this project on pinterest, but i took the dive...

and it was miserable.

the thing is way smaller than you'd think,

staining smells so bad and you have to do like 100 coats.

but it looks good, and i like it, and i'm using it as a side table.

oh, and i've got the sweetest, cutest, funniest baby, that now makes a point to try to get me to laugh...

vote for elliot

i uploaded a funny photo of elliot last week to parents online and they emailed me this weekend saying that he was a finalist for this week for the messiest eater.

he was in the top slot yesterday but has fallen back to number 4...

if he wins {this ends on the 26th} he gets $500!!

i mean, common...$500!

would you please vote for him?

the link above will change every day depending on his rank, so if it doesn't lead you to his photo click around a bit and you'll see him :)

you can vote once a day and we would love for you to do it! 

also, make sure you do the weird vote verification thing.

thanks ya'll!

mom voice.

babies are delicious.

and that is just about all there is.

i truly believe your life begins when your child is born.

you see everything through new eyes.

your mortality becomes excruciatingly real.

you love more.

your heart is so full, you honestly feel like it might explode.

yes...even more full than it felt at your wedding.

you don't know real love until you have a baby.

you don't understand the love of God until you have a baby.

I struggle with being a mother.

it.is.hard.

it takes everything i have.

and some days, i'm just not into it.

i have no patience.

i just want to go somewhere by myself, not have poop on my face, or be serenaded by the now constant whining noise that comes out of a certain baby's mouth.

but he forgets if i used my mom voice,

he forgets if i ignored him,

if i plopped him in front of sesame street too many times one day.

he looks at me with those big eyes,

he smiles at me whenever he sees me.

he always laughs at me.

he gives me big wet kisses on my lips and my cheek when i really need them.

he is so sweet when he sleeps...

i go into his room like 10 times a night after he has gone down to just look at him.

he cuddles with his toys.

if he wakes up, even briefly, and sees me...he has the biggest smile.

his baby days are quickly coming to an end,

and i already miss him.

just cause...

eight months old.

well, this is two days late, but who is counting?

my little man is 8 months old and i don't even want to talk about it.

i will say, this is one of my least favorite ages...

sure he is sweet and affectionate and funny but he is always wild, whiney and wiggly.

this month we:

cut two teeth!

really learned how to suck on our big toe

learned high five and give kisses.

starting feeding ourself

regressed in our sleep patterns

tried salmon and loved it.

now has separation anxiety.

elliot is obsessed with our dog owen, like...seriously loves him so much.

he also has started to sing, and hits things to a beat.

doesn't crawl.

sits up on his own.

rolls around across the room.

freaks out if he flips on his stomach when falling asleep, serious panic attack...we definitely laugh about it afterwards.

bites everything, including fingers and nipples. so don't say i didn't warn you.

{teeth! teeth!}

is now afraid of most strangers and shuts his eyes real tight and cries hysterically if someone takes him out of my arms...

elliot is bashful, outgoing, sweet, affectionate, knows what he wants, will try anything once.

he is funny and gentle and pretty much the best human being ever.

to be remembered...

are there specific things you want your kids to grow up remembering about you?

everyone pictures their lives as parents, prebabies, and has some kind of image,

but once you are on the other side of that - are you changing things about yourself or your life in order to fit the dream/vision you had before?

here is my list:

~ i want my kids to grow up remembering that i was always singing.  in another life i was a singer, and i make an effort to sing and make up songs with elliot and try to pull out the guitar for him and belt out a patty griffin song or two.

~ that i always looked pretty in the mornings.  weird, but i want to sleep in things made to be pajamas, or pretty, silky nightgowns.   just want to sleep in something pretty.  my kids will remember crawling into bed with us at night and feeling the silky material of my pajamas as they drift back to sleep. {still working on this one}...

~ {this is something they wont realize until they are much older} but that there was some mystery to me.  that i was their mother, but in other places they would see a different side of myself, one not usually present with them.  if that makes sense.  whether it be catching glimpses of the complicated and intricate relationship between ryan and i, or a conversation with a stranger...

~ this might be shallow....but i want to them to remember me being beautiful.  that i took care of myself.  that i wore sundresses, and delicate tops.  that i cared about my hair.  that my daughters {lord willing} had a vast array of high heels to choose from for their dress up adventures.

~ but most of all, that i loved them the best.

i say those words to elliot daily.

that they would always know, that no matter what, i was on their side.

more than just a mother, but a friend, a companion, ally, confidant, supporter.

that i met their emotional needs before they even realized they needed them met.

so what about you?

into the mouths of babes: lunch.

applesauce, original hummus, banana puffs.

from six to ten.

the more fun elliot is becoming,

the more i look forward to those few, quiet hours after he goes to bed.

the boy needs your attention constantly. 

he needs you to be playing with him,

or loving on him.

and he laughs at the simplest things.

ie: he finds it hilarious if i turn my head to look at him...

seriously, laughs hysterically every time.

but damn that jumparoo,

because if ever you hold him up so he is standing, and usually on your lap...

he kicks his legs wildly as he would if in that jumparoo.

he is almost constantly screaming on the top of his lungs,

which i encourage, because he is exploring.

and it is just too cute that he gets hoarse from it and then coughs...

which leads to him then fake coughing over and over and over...

tonight, he gave me three kisses on the cheek when i asked for them...

he really just sucked on my cheek.

but i just about died.

we have a weird coy fish pond outside our apartment with like, fountain water shooters...and every time elliot and i walk down the stairs, his face lights up so much at the sight of them.

it's still amazing to me the wonder that elliot holds with the world.

how he was nothing but a bunch of cells,

and then slowly formed into a baby...

and now he is here...

and is taking all of this in...

he has distinct qualities.

he is observant, he studies things.

he isn't afraid to let people know he is there.

he knows what he wants and what he doesn't.

but he never says no to something new.

he has a sense of humor.

he is very loving.

and very caring.

i never thought anyone could love a dog as much as my 7 1/2 month old does.

a few weeks ago, he reached for him in his high chair and said "Errrrwin"...

if i even say "owen", elliot perks up and looks directly at him and smiles.

owen will humor him but he usually pulls away whenever elliot goes to pet him.

most of my conversation with owen is me yelling at him or reprimanding him and about 99% of the time i look at elliot afterwards {expecting to see him concerned that i'm using my "mom voice"} and he has the biggest grin on his face...

weird kid ha...

back in early october, i called my midwife because i felt i was suffering from postpartum depression.

i had so much anxiety.

some days i felt so disconnected from elliot...

like he wasn't even mine.

i wanted to be consistent,

i wanted to be a better mother.

we had just found out we were going to be moving to california and i knew that would add a whole lot more stress.

so i got on a low dose of zoloft.

and instantly life changed...

i couldn't feel anxious or stressed if i wanted to!

i tried and it was like, it would hit a wall.

i told everyone who would listen...

well, two weeks ago, i thought i was pregnant...

and OMG babies 15 1/2 months apart made me cry...

but i was more freaked because zoloft causes some crazy birth defects...

so i started looking up how to wean off, and long story short...weaning or stopping cold turkey will cause you to get sick, have insomnia, HALLUCINATE, and maybe have a seizure...

uhh what.

so, i cut them pills in half...

got my period, and breathed many breaths of relief - though i did mourn the dream of new baby i held close for a few days - and 5 days ago, stopped taking them completely.

i feel great, and have slept fine.

and i feel good.

{note elliot}

these days are getting longer.

elliot is getting heavier and my back is nearly killing me.

our mattress is still on the floor, and we still don't have a dresser but things should start appearing in our home shortly and boy i just can't wait.

now that i practically live for my evenings...i need a clean, comfortable space of my own to decompress and spend with my hubs.

all photos from our day trip to monterey to celebrate owen's fourth birthday.